By R.A. Silverwing | Tuesday, November 4, 2008, 3:56 PM
Months of preparation. Billions of gold in campaign funds. Two thousand five hundred and ninety-three babies of all races kissed. At least three aides lost to tragic attempts to give friendly pats to hunter pets.
Yes, we've all been waiting with baited breath as our candidates made their speeches, took their stands, and brought forth their glorious plans for the future of Azeroth and the Outlands. We've all been watching the calendars count down to one short, historic day that will change our lives and determine the course of the next four years. A day that has finally come.
Welcome, Alliance and Horde alike, to Election Day 2008!
The Candidates: DeNUBlicans
A celebrated war veteran, a household name, a seasoned and experienced politician - High Overlord Saurfang and his lovely (albeit previously relatively unknown) running mate, Captain Valindria of the Shattered Sun, have built a strong platform based on using productivity and extra beatings for peons and adventurers alike to rebuild our failing economy and revitalize a depressed national outlook.
Despite his advancing age, Saurfang's strength and prowess suggest that Azeroth (and the Outlands) will enjoy four years of firm leadership and a no-holds-barred aggressive front against the forces of chaos. High Overlord Saurfang believes that it is strategically and morally essential that we support the fledgling government of Shattrath until it is capable of governing itself and defending its people.
The Azeroth (and Outland) that Saurfang and Valindria envision is a powerful, independent environment that uses a balanced approach to care for the health and well-being of every citizen.
Except maybe the scummiest of the Alliance scum. Those guys can rot in jail until the day they wake up Forsaken.
Soundbytes of the Campaign:
Introduction for H.O. Saurfang at the DeNUBlican National Convention:
"High Lord Saurfang can cleave Azeroth and hit Outland. He can execute his enemy at 100% health, just to save time. The Deeprun Tram was made when he charged at IF from SW.
If he was a hunter, he'd tame Omen. If he was a warlock, he would enslave Kazzak. And if he decided to go to Outland, Nefarian would be his mount."
Saurfang's take on Illidan Stormrage, from an interview with Bobwa Waters:
"Stupid nightelven kid. Thinks cuz he was locked away for a few thousand years, he gets to be all emo and go cut the world. Lemme tell you something, Bobwa. He doesn't know pain. He doesn't know fifty years in a prison camp where they tear out yer toenails cuz ya didn't stand up straight enough.
Oh, yeah. I know pain. I eat it fer breakfast in the mornin', and then I give the extra helpins to my enemies with some left over for my butler, Chuck. That kid better stay off MY lawn, or I'll have to teach his tattooed butt just what pain really is. "
Valindria in discussions with the Kurenai vizier:
"Oh, golly! We should go hunting merlocs, don'cha'know? I tell you what, there's nothing quite as invigorating as stalking a little rawgler across the beaches of Quel'Dee isle. It's peachy keen."
The Candidates: Evocrats
Archmage Marvin Vargoth is out to break the mold, and as the first Kirin'Tor to run for President, he's off to a great start! With his running mate, some guy that no one knows or cares about, he's spreading the fever for change, promising lower mana costs for all casters and a policy of tending to the needs closer to home as a first priority.
Young (relatively) and idealistic, many are heralding Vargoth as the firecracker force that this World needs to get back on its feet and make itself strong once more. He wants to close the gap between the 70s and the 30s, proposing sweeping XP tax changes that will take from the rich and give to the poor.
The Azeroth (and Outland) that Vargoth and that other guy envision is a place of peace and stability, one that is free from the squabbles of the day and prospering due to self-sufficiency, equality, and affordable polymorphs for all.
Soundbytes of the Campaign:
Vargoth at the Evocratic National Convention:
"The land is in worse shape than I could've imagined. If the damage continues at this rate, then our world will be nothing but cosmic gravel very soon.
Where will it stop, I wonder? Perhaps the better question is, 'will it stop?'"
That other guy, from an interview with Bobwa Waters:
Bobwa: "Who are you, again?"
JoeRandom: "... "
Ultarn the Warrior, citizen of Ironforge:
"The only thing I know fer sure about that Vargoth fellow is that he wins battles. When my friends and I are facing a beating at the hands of Vashj or Kael, worn down and tired as we may be, we always have our ace ready. All he has to do is stand there and wave, do a bit of laughin', maybe, and we got all we need for our victory.
Y'ask me, I'd rather have him not-fighting at my side than about a third of my raid members...* "
* Cough. Ultarn never said this. Shhhh.... artistic license!